Things to keep to yourself

If you've been following this blog, then you know that my coworkers are really into talking about their bowel movements. Well, one of them came up to me this morning raving about some new stomach medicine she's taking called Aciphex. Of course, I hear "Ass Effects" and raise an eyebrow as she talks about how gassy it makes her and how she needs to hit the washroom every hour or so. I say, "Ass Effects? You're taking a medication called Ass Effects?!?" and she says, " Yeah, Aciphex, in fact the name of the medicine is what drew me into asking for a prescription."

"Ass Effects?!?"
"Yeah, Aciphex."

We go through this exchange for about 15 minutes as we're both absorbing coffee. Once the coffee settles in we both realize the mistake and start laughing, just in time for another coworker to come by warning us not to go into the archive room because someone just "blew their ass all over the place."

I gotta get the hell out of this place.

What a way to start a Monday!

OMFG!!! I almost spit out my coffee this morning! Ok, so I have this e-mail roommshare service from NYC to help me get a swank pad in Brooklyn for lawschool. Anyway, I get a bunch of entries every day and occasionally I get one that just brings tears to my eyes. This is one of them:
$175 - Share bedspace with Christian couple
Reply to: [name deleted] Date: 2003-03-09 After a year of unemployment my wife and I have decided it is time to make some sacrifices to avoid losing our studio apartment. Our Futon is large enough to accomodate three adults and you will have full use of the bathroom and kitchen. The individual must be a non-smoker, and must be willing to wear pajamas to bed. You should also be understanding of my wife's flatulence which is caused by asthma medication. We have a one year old pot bellied pig who on occasion takes a strong dislike to strangers. For this reason, the individual should be willing to spend an hour or two at the apartment prior to moving in to see how Peggy responds. Serious replies only. Thank You [name deleted]

Buddy Christ

I just had the most surreal church experience. In hopes of getting me more involved with church-life, my father promised a local youth-oriented church that I would attend services today. Unfortunately, he didn't mention this to me until he woke me up bright and early this morning. I was half asleep because I was up late watching Dogma (wait, this only gets better). So, being as tired as I was I offered little resistance and I went along with his schemes. I got to the church, which was a super-modern design; in fact I had seen it several times and thought it was an office building. The interior had a cafe, nursery, huge projection televisions mounted on all the walls and funky metal sculpture worked into the building's structural elements. The nave of the church could seat about 500 and had ultra-modern furnishings and really flashy AV equipment, not to mention a stage, where a classical quartet played side-by-side with a full Christian rock band. There was also a gigantic screen in the back, projecting everything from bible passages to gospel music. The whole place even had really good mood lighting that made you feel like you were in a suburban coffee shop. The place was definitely geared to recovering Generation X'ers. Anyway, as I said, I had just seen Dogma the night before, so I was pretty skeptical about church marketing schemes. Well, I was treated to 30 minutes of Christian rock, which wasn't really all that bad. Then I sat through a long sermon that was so fractured it was almost impossible to tease out a coherent thread from it. The speaker almost seemed like he was on drugs. I mean, I've seen a wide spectrum of church sermons, and this one was so frenetic and disjointed I actually felt embarrassed for everyone there. But the thing was, everyone was really into it. They kept nodding and yelling "AMEN!", so I paid more attention, but was still convinced that the sermon made absolutely no sense. He would jarringly jump from one topic to another without making a point or even contributing an idea. I swear, you could have put him in place of Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now and no one would have noticed a difference. There was even a commercial for Temple University played on the big screen during the sermon. I shit you not. So, after an unsurprisingly confused closing, the sermon was finished and according to the schedule I was in store for a 45 minute "fellowship" period in the cafe. The fellowship period was coffee, donuts and a lot of people that looked a whole lot younger in normal lighting. In fact, I realized that I was easily about 8-12 years older than most of the people there. It felt like Children of the Corn. Then, each of the four pastors came up to me in turn, said hello, then pointed out all the single women in the room. I looked around for the sign that read "brothel", but didn't find it... WTF???!!!??? Everyone there that was older than me tried to do the same thing. I looked around and noticed a mother/daughter team that looked just as scared as I was. We instinctively came together. "Is this your first time here too?" "Uh, yeah. It's, uh, not what I expected..." "You as freaked out about this place as I am?" "Yep" "Oh, I thought it was just me!" That's when the others noticed we had flocked together, so they immediately came up, split the three of us apart and yanked us to different tables. Then the real neurotic-fest began. Next thing I know, everyone is pouring their heart out to me. I'm hearing things about people that I had no right (and definitely no desire) to know. I mean, I'm sorry that so-and-so just lost a brother and that so-and-so just got dumped by his wife, and that so-and-so is an alcoholic, but I'm a STRANGER. One guy spent 10 minutes telling me about how pained he was after his divorce and how irresponsible his ex-wife is with their kids and how horrible his financial debt has become; I had to stop him and say, "Hi, my name is Jonathan, what's your name?" Geez, and all the hand-holding and hugging! I mean, I'm not aversive to affection, but I'm still freaked out when strangers touch me as if we were life-long friends. Anyway, these people were all in some serious emotional pain and it was just too much too quick for me. I was skeeved by the whole experience and I can't help but feel that I'm in some way less of a compassionate person because of how freaked I am. Then to top it off, one of the pastors came up to me after an insultingly remedial hour-long bible-study session and mentioned that if I attended regularly and got more involved, someone would set me up with a very attractive woman and that I'd get hooked up with a good job. Geez, I felt like I was on the blind-date from hell! Actually, that's the best analogy I can think of. I am so skeeved.